Gary

Gary

Gary is the human avatar of our lord God, possessing superhuman strength and numchuks skills. Once comprised entirely of sunlight and diamonds, Gary now assumes a more biologically appropriate form whilst living among us.

Gary likes to fail driving tests for fun as it makes him feel like' one of you plebian vertebrates' but everyone knows he could pass one anytime he wanted, it's just that everyone living, or who has ever lived, and is or was able to drive, is a giant sweaty hippopotamus cunt-sculpture.

Fiendishly intelligent and devilishly attractive, Gary constantly bemoans the repeated sound of human under wear automatically tearing open in his immediate vicinity as an annoyance and distraction from his desire to make the world a better place.

Gary has cured cancer and aids, but refuses to provide the means to do this to anyone else, as he describes the world as'a better place with less cunts in it'

Gary enjoys walking through children's broken dreams and sexy pink escapades.

Maria

Maria

The origin of this podcast dates back to biblical times, maybe even pre-dates that era. The amount of horrifying, selfish, despicable, immoral, hedonistic behavior exhibited by all the regulars on this podcast definitely hint that it was formed around the time of the Old Testament. They probably all partied with the heathens at Babel – hence why they have Maria, a non-English, non-white person in their midst who represents all the varying degrees of confusion all non-English, non-white, non-male persons tend to exhibit.

As a native of lands afar, Maria often gets nouns confused with adjectives referring to bridges as 'lets cross that cuddly to avoid falling to our soggy death in the thames' or 'that hat is very badger'.

Maria is 80% machine and fuelled entirely by penises laced with vodka, which are harvested following extended sex sessions with kidnapped human males. Her description of her current first date technique is 'netflix and kill' though sometimes ‘netflix and morning after pill (You filthy whore).

Maria enjoys a long pork on the beach and pink grenades.

Dick Longthrust

One of Rocchi’s friends and a possessor of a job so important that he chooses to keep his identity secret. I know what he looks like however and that’s all that’s important!

Paris Hilton

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Not a lot of people know that Paris Hilton grew up just outside of Manchester in Bramhall where she men the internets own Peter Martin. They spent their formative years watching wrestling videos and drinking white cider before she high tailed it off to Los Angeles where she made a sex tape and inherited a fortune.

Eventually after fading into nothingness she returned to her roots and starred on the podcast in 2016!

Liam

Maria's flatmate and famous for both collapsing in an airport in India and having a job that Bill Hicks would have hated!

Karen

Gary's better half and the voice of all of Ireland. 

Nick

Maria's ex.

We all liked him but sometimes things are just not meant to be!

Ciaran

Kat's current flatmate most notably for not being the one who shits all over the toilet seat. Along with Rocchi. Pete and Paris HIlton he forms the podcasts "Axis of Northern".

Victoria

Kat's work colleague and worlds authority of sploshing. 

Currently missing picture of her but I'll get to it eventually!

Harry

Rocchi's better half and worlds expert on pissing on other men (at their request of course!).

Mr Andrew

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Mr Andrew

Andrew Roper is an anagram of 'red wren pro'. evidencing his love and efficacy within the competitive sport of bird watching. Few are aware that Andrew is actually a ghost, having died many years ago in a fatal kayak collision in a Birmingham canal. Many people said that bird watching and sailing around in a cunty canoe was a combination too dangerous to be executed by just one man, and they were correct, given his consequent, obviously predictable death.

As a ghost, Ondrew Raper likes to stand closely behind people while theyre working and discretely smell their hair, reminding him of the thrill of serial killing, for which therewere never any charges brought against him and no evidence discovered.

I have no idea what Andrew likes. Probably bumming.