14 - Straight eye for the queer guy part one

We’re trying this new thing where a representative of the straight and gay worlds are swapping the messages received from dating websites and attempting to make sense of them through the lens of a different sexual preference and all the baggage that this holds. Clearly this is a genius idea and won’t result in accusations of hate crimes!

We’re going to begin with Pete attempting to decipher the messages that this charming gentleman sent to Rocchi recently.

What do I notice about this particular exchange?

Well he doesn’t hang about taking about the dildo up his cunt prior to request of chatting does he? If you ask me, it’s all a bit try hard and eager particularly if you imagine that he was waiting for a bus when he typed this message.

Speaking personally folks, my general approach in life is to buy a guy dinner first before all that dildo cunt talk kicks off in anger.

He identifies himself as “bitch” which is probably a sign of someone who clearly has internalised misogyny bubbling to the surface. Lovers of safe spaces should probably consider avoiding him.

Asking permission to talk is a bit peculiar if you ask me. Surely this is a dating app and the very point of all this is to get a few words in between the hours spend sending unsolicited dick pics? Does this guy have some self-confidence issues and do you want to have to spend the long winter nights reassuring him that he’s the only bitch for you until you move on to someone else tomorrow? I think not!

Also, he only sent two messages in 8 months which if you ask me is a little bit low on energy. Surely the early bird catches the purple aubergine by sending 15 messages a day to remind you that he’s all dildo’d up and ready for action sir?

2/10 for effort.

The lack of photo is interesting as I’d say never really sends the right messages. Well unless he spends his whole life “wearing” dildo’s and wanted to keep the picture PG in case his mum was in the room while he was messaging.

Coupled with the lack of gendered pronouns however and I’d say that the only conclusion that we can draw from all this is there is a granny somewhere getting her kicks by infiltrating gay world and sending messages to poor unsuspecting sirs.

My advice is to avoid and focus your energies on someone who’s a little more likely to deliver the peen.

13 – 23 men who failed at life part nine “Men not getting it men”

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To give you an insight into a typical week for members of the Big Question Podcast, we keep in contact via WhatsApp and share crazy messages guys send to our real and fake dating profiles. 

Given that the majority of the team is straight, I take great pleasure in sending them unsolicited cock pics or strange messages that I receive. It’s not often, though, that I’m sharing a guy who at first seemed normal, only then to turn cray cray like old school Jerry Springer guests.

This guy very much meets that definition. At what point through the reply of “I’m fine thanks. You?” did he think that meant I was going to meet him? Creepier still: “I’m down your way today and tomorrow…” Seriously, dude, where are you right now, are you stalking me? Have you specifically travelled to my part of town simply to meet up with me? Shudder

Next time I leave my place, do I need to keep an eye out for a guy trying to suck me off as I walk? Or are you set up in the flat across the street with binoculars peeping in? Yikes 

Worse still, he persists. I try to be polite, because, you know, I’m a nice guy really (message indicated by the cake – cake is much better than me dressed in a harness with my moobs out, trust me) but he just doesn’t get it “…thought we seemed to like each other”. 

I may well be wrong but last time I consulted my awkward social conduct user manual, “Enjoy yourself” is an totes awks way of saying “FUCK OFF”. 

 

This guy gets it though. He knows that if I realistically want some cock, all I have to
do is spend a shed load of cash calling his US number, travel 10 hours and then I might just
get the same kinda fuck I get for free 5 minutes down the road with a much hotter dude. big sigh

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Then there’s this guy. He has a point, I did move to London to be as openly, screamingly gay as I could, away from family and all the people I grew up with. But this cunt very much missed one key and important realisation: 
I moved to be openly, screamingly gay in front of other gay people, unlike he, who wants to hide in the fucking shadows, using his protection screen of digital media in order to perpetuate his hatred not only of himself, but of other gay guys, whilst simultaneously thinking that a pic of his manky torso will get some power bottom’s boy hole twitching for some old man cock. Oh, and my family don’t give a shit, nor do the people I grew up with. 

I’m not sorry that yours hate you; clearly you’re rude and a total fucking cunt so unsurprising.

 
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I will end this with these two lovely gentlemen. They say “He who doesn't understand history is doomed to repeat it.” At least they tried.

12 - 23 men who failed at life part eight – I’m a doctor “don’t cha’ know” man

Perhaps I’m a little guilty of not knowing my place sometimes but I do occasionally wish for a world where being born with a vagina doesn’t instantly render one as an object first and an owner of a personality way back in second place.

It’s idealistic I know but a girl can dream.

Our next victim is the sort of person who leads his profile with what he does for a living and in fact these are the only words he’s bothered to write on his profile. I guess he thinks that a certain percentage of women immediately drop their knickers at the thought of dating a doctor.

Obviously I must have missed a meeting or something as for some reason, I didn’t immediately drop to my knees and start blowing him as soon as he came calling.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, here’s our exchange!

As opening messages go, this one definitely shows the personality within fairly effectively.

I’m personally a big fan of messages that essentially say “shut up and send me pictures”. It makes me feel cozy inside and not at all like I’m viewed as essentially a pile of flesh for someone to gawp at and occasionally prod to check if I’m still breathing.

As we all know, I’m quite the shrinking violet and I like to hide my feelings with a lot of metaphor and subtlety, so I replied in this fashion hoping that he’d be able to decipher my very creatively hidden message.

Like a lot of people in the world of internet dating, I’ve decided how interested I am in someone from the first 2 or 3 sentences that they post. Sadly 99% of the men I interact with on dating sites have turned me off before I’ve so much as read line one of their profile or looked at a photo. Just the way that they conduct themselves in the opening exchange tells me all I need to know about them.

Something to consider there guys and girls!

Jeez…..buy a girl dinner first before you pop the question guy! 

I never for a second suggested that I’d be sending him naked photos. Since that’s where he went immediately, we can see what was really going on in his mind. 

For some reason he sees something wrong with the idea of accepting that if things were to go well, there’d be a chance of intimacy. But at the same time explicitly stating that he’s looking for someone to possibly spend the rest of his life with is all gravy.

Smacks of warped priorities if you ask me! 

Despite being made from sugar and spice and everything nice, I can have a ranty side from time to time. This comes out when I think I’m being ‘negged’ by the kind of arrogant arsehole who leads with their high power job and tells me that I’d be better off deleting all the words on my profile and doing some kind of dating site based voguing session for his amusement.

Keep up with that nonsense and you probably will receive my saltier side!  

Even when this guy is attempting to seemingly apologise, he manages to fit in a sly dig. Because of course my unfriendly attitude couldn’t possibly be anything to do with what he had to say for himself. It has to be that I have some deep-seated issue with all men everywhere in the world. How could it anything else?

Someone should do a case study on the arrogance of this particular gentleman!

I did get a final reply from him but I’m not going to comment on it. I’ll instead include his picture!

Side note to any girls who are in any way receptive to this guy’s advances - you’re basically slowing down the progress of the human race by dating this guy. 

11 - 23 Men that failed at life. Part Seven - boys at the disco men

While I know it doesn’t really work like this, I like to imagine that men sending messages on dating sites are just like teenagers from the bad disco that we all went to as 14 year olds.
 
They psyched themselves up to walk over to Mandy Williams to ask her to dance after spending 5 minutes in the corridor practicing beforehand. Sadly it was never likely to work out as Mandy was a clear foot taller and in reality was probably being groomed by someone 5 years older who had a car and enough bumfluff to get served.
 
Sadly, we’re not in the middle of some imaginary Pulp song when life was so much simpler and Jarvis Cocker still had it. It’s 2016 and this is the sort of charming message that constitutes an opening exchange on a dating site from the menfolk of the internet dating world;

I’m going to imagine that this is a question rather than a statement so I’ll take it as one. The only way that I can imagine giving you a footjob is if your penis contained the only remaining source of red wine in the world and I was trapped in the audience while the more out of touch members of our current government were performing a rewritten dramatisation of the last 5 years of Eastenders episodes complete with posh boy mockney accents.

I’d do it then and only then. 

I’m actually having a little trouble believing that this guy is actually 29. I can’t help but wonder if he escaped my fantasy pulp song, has become flesh and immediately joined up okcupid to start propositioning women.
 
If he messages you I apologise and hopefully I’ll figure out some way to rid him from the world by employing the new ghostbusters which will at least have the simultaneous benefit of pissing off a few MRAs

At big question towers, this may be our favourite for its rapier like wit and concise charm. Unfortunately, he forgot to ask me a question. Had he requested a foot job or a friends with benefits like situation we could have bummed by now.

More fool him.

I hate to bring looks into this but this photo looks like the last thing you see prior to being bludgeoned to death before your liver is eaten with some fava beans and a nice bottle of white lightning. 

For the record, I do like leather, particularly when it is providing some kind of protective barrier for the cloud of STIs that you inevitably carry.

Please don’t hurt me and if you could get your eyes to stop following me around the room, that’d be awesome thanks.
 

I bet you £100 that this guy has never considered what saying the extra ‘y’ and ‘u’ actually sounds like. To me it sounds like a parody local DJs from the 80s and let’s be honest, they don’t have a great track record. Particularly when they have a sort of poverty Craig David vibe about them going on.
 
I do sort of wonder if he’ll keep replying to me once a month every month. Long after the glint has left my eyes and I’m slowly turning into dust, he’ll be there adding extra letters to the end of words thinking that it’s somehow endearing!

It isn’t endearing.

10 - 23 Men that failed at life. Part Six - Anal Man

Some days in the life of a modern girl, you get reminded of the background levels of fuckwittery that exist and surround you like a comforting blanket made out of head lice. 

This time it happened fairly early on a Saturday but being a morning person I was well awake and ready for said fuckwittery. 

I had assumed that he may have asked me what my favourite kind of misbehaving kitten or my favourite right wing politician might have been. Fully prepared for an interesting debate- this was his oh so naughty Q...

Oh, really? Well how fucking interesting. 

Personally I don’t ascribe any shame to taking one in up the chuff. I’m a big believer in anal for all as long as it’s involving consenting adults and possibly some lube.

However that being said, I did make the assumption that this guy may have a slightly “complicated” relationship with women if that is his second message and it was before 8am.

But anal is anal after all! 

I should stress that I don’t see anything wrong with pegging between consenting lube-carrying adults also but this man gave me the impression that it wasn’t really going to be his bag.

In one message, I’d removed his chest pumped out bravado, replacing it with a coy inexperienced boy still trying to master his first moustache, so obviously I had to up the ante a little.

He replied with the following nugget of insight into his mindset.

You see what he does here, he’s trying to imply that he has an 8” penis and does it with all the subtlety and nuance of an elephant who is a couple of good bottles of red wine into a Saturday evening. This is because he knows that girls like big penises…. 

..especially when their dicks are huge too. 

I was feeling a little like the conversation may be going nowhere beyond him telling me about the size of his penis so I attempted to change the subject to see what else this harridan may have to say for themselves.

I get this a lot in the world of internet dating. 

Someone is given a platform to talk and they just freeze because they have nothing to say for themselves. He may as well have said “i dunno lol” for all the intrigue he stirred up and this is the reason why I decided that this guy should just be filed under offensively harmless.

While demonstrating a particularly strange and warped opinion of girls, he’s clearly a bit of a keyboard warrior.

By this point at 8:10 on a Saturday morning, I’d grown tired of any pretence that I was a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her and just starting laying into him as I was getting a little bored and wanted breakfast.

Clearly here this interaction with the fairer sex hasn’t quite gone to plan for him although perhaps for the first time he’s impressed with the use of the word “supercilious”. Perhaps I have low expectations but to be honest, I get impressed on dating sites when people know the difference between “your” and “you’re” so to drop a bomb like that and for it to work in context, I’m actually a little impressed.

That all being said, he did ask me about my opinion of the ultimate form of birth control before he asked me my name so it was never like he was going to claw his way back up from that particular conversational dead end, so I continued.

 

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Very sadly here I don’t have his reply and my profile has since been zapped by the great big site admin in the sky.

Trust me when I say however, it was about 6 words and was barely coherent. 

I should point out that this stage that this particular gentleman left enough information in his dating profile that I was able to find his facebook profile, what he did for a living, what university he was currently studying part time at, what his dad’s name was and what organisations he was a member of. It took me about 10 minutes of googling to figure that out and I bet if I had have spent longer on it, I could have gotten a lot more.

I could be a major cunt to this guy if I felt like it but I won’t as ultimately his personality will probably turn most women off him within about 3 seconds. He’ll do more damage to himself than I ever could!

09 - 23 men who failed at life. Part five - "I don't kiss men" Man

Normally when I sit down to write, I think about all the funny things I might want to say and then pretty much do just rip into these arseholes (although not sexually sadly).

When I saw this, however, taken from a profile on a popular GAY and BISEXUAL dating site, I became enraged. It wasn’t even funny. Let me just break this down for you and you can see my point of view:

1.    “I’m bi” 
So according to my LGBT dick-tionary, this means you find men and women equally as sexually attractive. So if one is bi, I would imagine that one finds men sexually attractive. So why would this piece of shit then hide behind the ‘straight man’ insinuation that:

2.    “[he] will slide [his] cock inside [the gay boy] if [the gay boy] plays [his] cards right”?
This is almost like this prick is suggesting that he’s WAY too straight for his brain to want to fuck other men, and therefore it’s that dirty fucking faggot that would want it in his arse. Fucking gays, eh? He’s not gay (or indeed bi), clearly.

3.    “I don’t kiss men sorry fellas I’m sure you are all great kissers”. 
Leaving the best until last here, what the fuck are you on about, you fucking cunt? What, so men can’t touch your incredibly straight lips? Will they manage to destroy the intensity of your oozing straight aura with their homosexual saliva? Because let me tell you something, if you were to say the above statement to me (face-to-face or on an app), I’d make your ‘too-bae-for-gay’ lips look like Jackie Stallone. I think you believe gays might damage your very straight rep, coupled with the feeling that you absolutely fucking hate yourself: that must be a lonely fucking planet you live on. 

Bringing me back to my original point, you’re bi, you find MEN attractive, that means you like MEN. Men will use their lips to touch other men’s lips: APPALLING. Lest not forget, though, that you’re willing for them to kiss your cock with their faggot lips, perhaps you’re just suffering from such acute self-loathing and hatred that you forgot their homosexual saliva might still touch your prized prick.

08 - 23 Men that failed at life. Part four - Persistence Man

I’m sure that like me, all you girls out there are glad that the menfolk out there in the dating world are so thoughtful. They regularly check in with you to see if you fancied interaction even if you ignored them like the plague once, twice even twelve times. 

It’s heartening to think that they are so considerate that they didn't even want us to risk straining our little ladyhands on the keyboard after their 14th identical message that we’re clearly just too bashful to reply to.

The cynical out there would suggest that perhaps they’re just playing the percentages by sending virtually identical messages to as many women as possible in the hope that one of us will stray away from the protection of the pack.

I however say no, these are gentlemen are kind gentle souls only thinking of our needs!

 

At some point in their young lives, these men were clearly taught ‘if at first you don't succeed, try, try again’. Which is a great life lesson if, for example, you want to pass a driving test (Gary), bake the perfect lemon drizzle (Kat) or get really good at a sport (no-one on this podcast...). 

However, when you use this approach on women, it tends to make you look like an overly persistent loser at best and a nutcase at worst. 

Guys - if we don't reply to your message, we’re not playing hard to get. Our feeble lady brains haven't forgotten to reply. To coin a phrase, we’re just not that into you.

 

 

 

07 - 23 Men that failed at life. Part three - Impatience Man

Like so many of us, I get a long list of meaningless messages on a daily basis that read like someone who has made a conscious decision to not share their personalities, like it would immediately turn off all womankind everywhere.

He instead appears to have employed a tactic of repeating the same message twelvety thousand times to as many women as his little wrists will let him copy and paste, in the hope that someone somewhere won’t notice and reply. I bet it happens 2 maybe 3 times per thousand messages sent.

What I find interesting from this particular example is how early in the morning he started with his epic womankind messaging session. 

But hey it’s like what they say, “the early bird won’t get anywhere near seeing the worm naked if this is the approach he employs. The worm prefers to stay at home waiting for the sweet release of death as an alternative”

It’s something like that anyway.

I’ve basically given up on attempting to reply in a sensible way to these harridans and I’ve recently been replying with a long string of utter nonsense just to see what their response might be. 

In this instance I shared the shipping forecast just in case you know, he was a seafarer and was planning on taking a long ocean based journey in the next day or two. 

Of course if that was the case, more fool him as that shipping forecast was out of date!

He replied almost instantaneously and since I’m such a fair and balanced person, he did briefly appear to understand why he got such a nonsense reply.

However he then flips it around and perhaps suggests not only that perhaps it’s my fault that he didn’t make more of an effort as I receive so many other messages. But also all the other women for sapping his energy with ignoring his advances. 

If this is his usual approach, it’s hard to be totally surprised is it?

As a final coup de grace like he hadn’t already failed to cover himself of glory enough, he finished with the following message 11 minutes later without even the hint of awareness that it might be ten to seven in the morning and we might have a job to go to. 

Perhaps he thought that my little lady brain would be so bowled over with his mansplaining that I’d immediately drop my little lady drawers and beg him for it.

Thank goodness for sock puppets for when he inevitably start messaging me everyday to remind me that he proved his point!

06 - 23 Men that failed at life. Part two - Whitey Man

The message from this particular gentleman started with a 'hilarious' little insult to grab my attention.

This guy seems to be trying negging me which in case you're not familiar with this term, is the use of low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman.

This then results in her being more vulnerable to your advances getting you closer to her flower…..Nice.

For the record, I'm a perfectly respectable 5'5", so I wondered if he was perhaps a bit of a giant. So I proceeded to check his profile. He stated he was 6 foot, not exceptionally tall but whatever, by this point my attention had been drawn to another part of his profile. 

Ah lovely, racial bias… who’d have thunk it? 

No time to write a full profile, but at least you got that bit in. How attractive! What more could a girl want than an insulting racist?

I bet he’s the kind of person who shares Britain First videos without a hint of irony much to the dismay of his friends who have to listen to his nonsense. One can only assume that they subject themselves to this in the pub on a weekly basis while they spent year after year focusing on all the regrets they have in life which are numerous.

The name is very apt. I’ll at least give him that!

05 - 23 Men that failed at life. Part one - Captain Arrogance.

 

The Big Question started a few fake dating profiles to interact with the dating population of the UK.

On one particular profile, the first few lines of the summary detailed how irritating our subject finds it that so many people open with very obviously “nothing” messages that they’re clearly sending to thousands of people in the hope that at least one woman might be so bowled over she immediately offers herself up on a plate.

It’s basically the dating equivalent of those spam emails for erectile dysfunction.

With that in mind, there’s nothing quite like a man who begins their opening exchange by effectively saying that:

They didn’t read a single line of your profile and their priority is the transmission of their genetic code with you above everything else

Ladies let’s be honest here, we all swoon at this and we know it!

I suggested that perhaps, just perhaps, that this gentleman may want to read my profile to get a better idea of what actually makes me tick and he replied with this gem.

What a charmer! Obviously this guy knows something about women and he wants to show it.

Generally speaking we get an offering of dick more or less every day and he must know that we get a little anxious if we don’t get one in all our interactions with men. Luckily for us he was here to swoop in and selflessly offer up his member. What a hero.

Me being a slightly feisty but coy sensitive flower, I had to wonder if him effectively unzipping his metaphorical trousers on the second message was an approach that resulted in a lot of success for him so I asked him.

Luckily he was quick to confirm that his tactics are sound and I must clearly be two seconds from dropping my knickers which obviously I am.

I was going to reply to this message but I decided that playing in the traffic represented a superior option.

04 - Ten inch record

When you’re ordering food whilst hungry, you should always just consider just how much you can actually handle. So from one fat bloke to our listeners, I give you the following tips for being able to handle a 10 inch thick:

1.    Your eyes are always bigger than what you can handle. Especially when you’re staring down at your 10 inch and thinking “you’re going to get inside me”. Trust me, it will defeat you; it’s defiant.
2.    You should consider if you’re going to have sides, maybe with some hot cheese sauce. Might be tough to fit in too if you’re getting a 10 inch already.
3.    Will you have dessert? Everyone knows there may be a cream pie to have at the end. Might not be enough room if you’ve already packed a 10 inch.

If you’re not going for the extras, you might be able to stuff it in. But I’ll leave you with one final thought:

03 - ....the day I realised I had powers like them off Hero's

So there I was, I’d just returned home from a month away on safari. I’d just collected my post and sat in front of my computer to see if I’d received any messages from nice boys while I was away.

And right away I noticed that I had a message on my preferred dating site so I quickly logged in whilst daydreaming about my future husband the way that people have just bought a lottery ticket do.

 

I was quite amazed to find the following two messages.

Here was this boy who at the point of messaging me was interested in girls but by the time I got to his post, had decided to bat for another team. Let’s ignore for a second the tremendous damage this has obviously done to my self esteem and focus on another factor.

How much power does my silence have? It had basically never occurred to me before that not replying to every single one of the 500 messages of badly spelled pieces of fuckwittery that I get every day was a viable option, but I’ll be sure to use that gift in the future.

I’ll have to chalk this one down to experience and accept that the male nation’s gain is my loss I suppose. Please do promise to be gentle with him fellas.


I’m hoping that the next person I ignore will decide to go and live with lions.

02 - I would love to....

Him - I would love to:

  • snort coke through a dead babies hollow femur

  • add you to my finger nail collection

  • ferment you in formaldehyde and win the turner prize

  • see you dressed up like cheetarah from the thundercats

  • bake a cake and fill it with your congealed tears

  • remove my toes and post them to you

  • drain pasta with your hair

  • use your grated foot skin as sugar

  • get rid of this painful pointless existence

  • stop crying on the inside

  • find a way to survive this meaningless life, devoid of love, with only my naked muscular physique to endear me to others

  • find my shirt

Me - I would love to:

  • live in a world where people trying to date me understand that completely fully formed thoughts lead to a greater chance of getting me undressed

01 - Plenty of Fish and all that sail in her..

There certainly are plenty of fish, but unfortunately they're all bottom feeders…

The site is the dating equivalent of a meat market indie club at 2am on a Saturday. All the more successful people have long gone home to their more fulfilling lives and significant others. You’re left with the desperate few hopped up on cheap snakebite and scouring the dance floor for that special someone looking for an STI and an ocean of regret.

This guy knows what he wants to say and he says it. Never in the history of mankind have so many spelling mistakes led to so little chance of action.

It’s almost like he copy pastes this message to hundreds of girls at a time in the hope that just one will bite. I stress almost however as I’m a special snowflake and for my own self worth, I need to believe that he spent hours crafting that gold.

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As you can see from the picture or rather can’t as we’re not total cunts, this man has a child and he wants you to know about it. I’d suggest that the reason he’s doing this is to let you know that he is soft, squishy and in possession of a few feelings unlike all them other men. Plus he’s definitely attempting to remind me that he knows what his penis is for!

Thank goodness he's fertile 'ladys'!

And it's always nice when a man doesn't have the time or inclination to use correct grammar and actual words. Obviously it means that he must be working hard to buy us all them handbags and shoes that our lives wouldn’t be complete without.

It’s widely known that being referred to as ‘u’ is a real turn-on and we can’t wait to engage with him. Just waiting for the death of all other men in the human race prior to our leap into the unknown.