We’re trying this new thing where a representative of the straight and gay worlds are swapping the messages received from dating websites and attempting to make sense of them through the lens of a different sexual preference and all the baggage that this holds. Clearly this is a genius idea and won’t result in accusations of hate crimes!

We’re going to begin with Pete attempting to decipher the messages that this charming gentleman sent to Rocchi recently.

What do I notice about this particular exchange?

Well he doesn’t hang about taking about the dildo up his cunt prior to request of chatting does he? If you ask me, it’s all a bit try hard and eager particularly if you imagine that he was waiting for a bus when he typed this message.

Speaking personally folks, my general approach in life is to buy a guy dinner first before all that dildo cunt talk kicks off in anger.

He identifies himself as “bitch” which is probably a sign of someone who clearly has internalised misogyny bubbling to the surface. Lovers of safe spaces should probably consider avoiding him.

Asking permission to talk is a bit peculiar if you ask me. Surely this is a dating app and the very point of all this is to get a few words in between the hours spend sending unsolicited dick pics? Does this guy have some self-confidence issues and do you want to have to spend the long winter nights reassuring him that he’s the only bitch for you until you move on to someone else tomorrow? I think not!

Also, he only sent two messages in 8 months which if you ask me is a little bit low on energy. Surely the early bird catches the purple aubergine by sending 15 messages a day to remind you that he’s all dildo’d up and ready for action sir?

2/10 for effort.

The lack of photo is interesting as I’d say never really sends the right messages. Well unless he spends his whole life “wearing” dildo’s and wanted to keep the picture PG in case his mum was in the room while he was messaging.

Coupled with the lack of gendered pronouns however and I’d say that the only conclusion that we can draw from all this is there is a granny somewhere getting her kicks by infiltrating gay world and sending messages to poor unsuspecting sirs.

My advice is to avoid and focus your energies on someone who’s a little more likely to deliver the peen.