Some days in the life of a modern girl, you get reminded of the background levels of fuckwittery that exist and surround you like a comforting blanket made out of head lice. 

This time it happened fairly early on a Saturday but being a morning person I was well awake and ready for said fuckwittery. 

I had assumed that he may have asked me what my favourite kind of misbehaving kitten or my favourite right wing politician might have been. Fully prepared for an interesting debate- this was his oh so naughty Q...

Oh, really? Well how fucking interesting. 

Personally I don’t ascribe any shame to taking one in up the chuff. I’m a big believer in anal for all as long as it’s involving consenting adults and possibly some lube.

However that being said, I did make the assumption that this guy may have a slightly “complicated” relationship with women if that is his second message and it was before 8am.

But anal is anal after all! 

I should stress that I don’t see anything wrong with pegging between consenting lube-carrying adults also but this man gave me the impression that it wasn’t really going to be his bag.

In one message, I’d removed his chest pumped out bravado, replacing it with a coy inexperienced boy still trying to master his first moustache, so obviously I had to up the ante a little.

He replied with the following nugget of insight into his mindset.

You see what he does here, he’s trying to imply that he has an 8” penis and does it with all the subtlety and nuance of an elephant who is a couple of good bottles of red wine into a Saturday evening. This is because he knows that girls like big penises…. 

..especially when their dicks are huge too. 

I was feeling a little like the conversation may be going nowhere beyond him telling me about the size of his penis so I attempted to change the subject to see what else this harridan may have to say for themselves.

I get this a lot in the world of internet dating. 

Someone is given a platform to talk and they just freeze because they have nothing to say for themselves. He may as well have said “i dunno lol” for all the intrigue he stirred up and this is the reason why I decided that this guy should just be filed under offensively harmless.

While demonstrating a particularly strange and warped opinion of girls, he’s clearly a bit of a keyboard warrior.

By this point at 8:10 on a Saturday morning, I’d grown tired of any pretence that I was a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her and just starting laying into him as I was getting a little bored and wanted breakfast.

Clearly here this interaction with the fairer sex hasn’t quite gone to plan for him although perhaps for the first time he’s impressed with the use of the word “supercilious”. Perhaps I have low expectations but to be honest, I get impressed on dating sites when people know the difference between “your” and “you’re” so to drop a bomb like that and for it to work in context, I’m actually a little impressed.

That all being said, he did ask me about my opinion of the ultimate form of birth control before he asked me my name so it was never like he was going to claw his way back up from that particular conversational dead end, so I continued.


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Very sadly here I don’t have his reply and my profile has since been zapped by the great big site admin in the sky.

Trust me when I say however, it was about 6 words and was barely coherent. 

I should point out that this stage that this particular gentleman left enough information in his dating profile that I was able to find his facebook profile, what he did for a living, what university he was currently studying part time at, what his dad’s name was and what organisations he was a member of. It took me about 10 minutes of googling to figure that out and I bet if I had have spent longer on it, I could have gotten a lot more.

I could be a major cunt to this guy if I felt like it but I won’t as ultimately his personality will probably turn most women off him within about 3 seconds. He’ll do more damage to himself than I ever could!